Captain’s Log- Fall 2017

  1. 11/11/17  I’ve been casually looking for compressed air for about a month and a half- popping into a hardware or variety store any time I’m walking by. The answer is always “no.” When I ask “Who do you think sells it? Any suggestions?” they always say “I don’t know,” and that means… they think I’m a huffer. If not, they’d just say the obvious answer, which is Canadian Tire. Since they think I’m going to use it to get high, not to try and clean my 3 dead cameras, they play dumb. “What’s Canadian Tire?” (It’s an auto/hardware/homecare superstore, American readers.) Finally I went to crappy tire and got the air- but it was locked behind glass and they escorted me to the cash with it. It’s not easy to get, and if you want it, you better be dressed in your Sunday best so no one thinks you’re an addict. Anyways, now I have it and IT’S TIME TO GET HIGH SUCKAAAAAASSSSS.
  2. 04/11/17 My mom moved to a new town and so she has a new church. It’s Anglican, not a wacky church… but. The pastor is a ventriloquist. He tells the whole sermon with his *female* puppet, Susan. When we heard this and started cracking a LOT of jokes, my mom said it was necessary “to bring young people back to the church.” She didn’t mean children, she meant “cool people.” Because ventriloquists are cool.
  3. 31/10/17 I had band practice tonight so I didn’t buy candy for the kids. I was worried I’d get some T or T, but there was no T or T, and then I discovered the garbage men had helped by barricading the pathway to my house with emptied cans. Next door they had a full front yard tableau with dummies and ghosts and police tape so it was clear which house was better. Then, when waiting for the streetcar, I was standing amidst a clump of cute costumed kids when I almost got hit by a car. I screamed “What the fuck!!!” Hoo boy I could not even turn around to face the children after that. I was so ashamed because of the swears. All in all I really did not add much to anyone’s Halloween fun this year.
  4. 30/10/17 My cat Tuxi loooooves potato chips. If she hears the bag rustling, she comes from the other side of the house. I can’t enjoy chips at all because she’s such a pest about it. She will literally try to knock a chip out of my hand- and keep batting until she gets one. Then I have to hold it for her so she can lick the powder off the surface like it’s a popsicle. (She doesn’t actually eat them.) You would think this would be a good diet tactic- a chip deterrent. But no, it makes me all the greedier, all the more ravenous, as I yell “No Tuxi! These chips are MINE! MINE!”
  5. 28/10/17 I’m a Shoppers points bandit. In the past year I’ve collected almost 500$ worth of points and I’m going to redeem them on double day so they’re worth $1000. Between that and the sales, I game that store so hard, I feel like I should get banned.
  6. 27/10/17 Today I’m going to do improv at the Sick Kids Hospital. It’s a tough gig because you have to censor yourself- not only on the swears, because they’re kids, but also, anything related to sickness, injury, or sadness in general. One time we were making up a story on the spot and I was trying to be positive about a character so I said “and then he went to heaven!” It was like I had dropped a bomb. There’s cringing and then there’s cringing while you’re making eye contact with a kid who has 10 iv tubes sticking out of them…
  7. 10/10/17 Mice come in when the weather gets cold. My cat Tuxi is a mouser, and has gotten a few. My other cat Ben is not a mouser. One time a mouse was running away from Tuxi and hid underneath Ben until the coast was clear.
  8. 08/09/17 “What are the neighbours cooking? It’s REALLY smoky, they need to fuck off–. WAIT A MINUTE!” This is how I discovered that I had left my chopping board too close to a stovetop element. There were flames; it was on fire. All because I was boiling french horn mouthpieces. Safe to say I was the asshole neighbour cooking something weird.
  9. 07/09/17 I was considering buying a blood sugar monitor for my cat and a salesperson was eager to help.  But he said “I’ve never heard of cat diabetes.” “WELL” I started, then went on, because my cat was diagnosed a week ago, so I’m now an expert. This well meaning dum dum didn’t know anything about diabetes, or this glucometer,  so nuts to him and his advice. Then he said, “Well, I have diabetes.” Hoo hoo hoo I felt like a HEEL!
  10. 05/09/17 Today I was fancy and had a “driver.” “We’ll send you a driver.” I’m not used to drivers because I’m not usually fancy, but the couple I’ve had appeared professional. This guy had a baby seat in the back. I hesitated and confirmed a few details. He was annoyed. After a 1 hour silent ride I said “I was scared when I opened the door. Do you know that serial killers put baby seats in the back to appear non-threatening?” He smiled big and said “I have 3 boys!” He did not say “I am not a serial killer.” Hmmmm…
  11. 05/09/17 Today I had a doctor’s appointment and they left me in a room to fill out forms. That took about 5 minutes, and then it was 1.5 hours of waiting. I kept busy, including polishing my nails. When the doctor came back into the room and saw/smelled what I did, she was horrified. Her face looked like she had walked in on me sitting beside a severed horse head. Blood everywhere. I said “I got bored.” She yelled “you can’t have that in here!!! THE SMELL!!!” Okay. Noted.

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