The Move

Revision:

Here it is:

Get roomate. -Yes
~~Head down- get to work. Your back pain and body pains are stress related, not sitting related. Lets face it, you come home and sit anyways.~~ Get rid of the stuff. Focus on JUST the purge.
~~Get rid of stuff casually but not as a focus.~~ THEN start on the portfolio. Stay in model mode to get the work done.
THEN start focusing on how you look.
Eating- convenience over cooking and try to make good small choices through the day. Don’t stress it. You have a roomate so buy the food you want.

Reasons:

I am in crunch time at work and work will need total focus.
My body can only handle so much sitting and drawing.
THE STUFF makes me feel bad about myself.
The sooner I pay down debt, the less the debt will cost me in the long run.
I AM MOVING. No matter what, I am moving and will want a light load. Adventure awaits. Nickelodeon, Halifax, Disney, Ireland… I’m not getting a house in the country. Frankly, I’ll HAVE To go for adventure and save some dough before I can do that anyways.
I will be able to focus better once the stuff is gone. Nip the whole thing in the bud.
Okay- say I get laid off in June but I have no portfolio. Simple- then I switch gears. Use 2 weeks to generate some content. And I’ll have EI. And Judy doesn’t need content anyways.
If I focus and get this out of the way, maybe I can still hit my Disney December Deadline.
Won’t have a scramble if an opportunity does come up.
Better to have it gone in the event that Jamie does kick me out.
Have a good outline in trello and here on this web page.
I am drawing and improving my skills at work. The later I start on my own projects, the more skilled I’ll be.

THIS IS IT! THE GREAT TURN AROUND!

“I experimented with creativity and took risks until I had completely exhausted my resources. I suffered emotional and neurological damage from the Corral show- my last self funded hurrah. I started selling my stuff to make rent. I started getting into the stuff in a psycho way- I felt totally isolated, playing with dolls and trying to soothe a broken brain.

Then, things turned around. I got a dream job. I made a portfolio plan. I healed my brain properly with brain pills. I sold the stuff and paid off my debt. I started dressing better. I got a new dream job in a new location. I had a new style to match. I made new friends that were more in line with me, and was able to be my authentic self- now having satisfying employment AND a bit of disposable income for FUN things.

After that I never paid for my own work. I never took crazy chances. I kept my eye on my nest egg. I drew boundaries. I recognized when things weren’t going well. And I became a health nut.

When I turned 60, I looked 40 and was still active in improv, and lots of other fun things. And I finally found a relationship that made me happy.

What changed?

Clearing out the front room made me realize how much stuff there is and that it has to go. Is in the way for roomate.
I made some good sales that were encouraging $ wise.
I’m feeling like work is enough. I’m tired from work.
I really want new clothes.
On happy pills which I think is helping me think clearer.

I have hope. There is a future. So I look to the future. In the future I will make more money. The weather will be nicer every day. My job will be my only job- no portfolio on the side- freeing me to exercise every night (And enjoy life.) My wardrobe and possessions will be nicer. I’ll have more clout when I go to pursue creative projects. In short, it’s worth it.

Say I go to LA and start living my “real” life. Ppl here see pictures and think “but what about her friendships? She had no friends here.” The fact is, I was going thru a lot with the migraines etc. and had a tough time connecting to people. When I’m more secure and relaxed in LA, I’ll have friends. I’ll find it much easier to connect with happy, healthy people. It’s not that money will = happiness.

This chunk of time IS:

IS: Head down and working towards a goal, reality and living situation blocked out. Attractiveness, habits, etc. are not under scrutiny, but just enough to get by as I focus on work. This is not “my life.” This is working towards the future and it IS in my control.

IS NOT: A time for hosting, dating, socializing, cooking, perfecting, reflecting etc. This entire time in this apartment can be written off as “prep.” It was an okay apartment but not perfect. I can have a higher standard of living. This is not a time to “enjoy life,” though of course I should appreciate and make the best of life’s moments.

WAS: Necessary recovery time.

2006- 2012: 6 years -Upward- in social skills, hope, perceived realities.

2012- 2015: 4 years -Downward- in harsh realities,

2016- future- Upward- Making CONCRETE gains that involve reliable friends, financial gains, good heath and professional focus.

Going Down 2012-2015: Start at Zero- Neutral.

Laid off Nelvana, debt free. Dec 2011-
Scared by government.
June 2012 Went to business school. (Failed.) At this time lose Carmine, improv community and feel like an idiot. Went to Tennesse before biz class started in Sept.
Basically one lost year (summer 12 to summer 13) living off government and very lost learning biz skills. Have an acting agent but no gigs. Do a play. Realize migraines are a MAJOR problem.
Started working again. (Improvement.) June 2013, Oct 2013 Nelvana board work, Feeling confident, get rid of roomate.
Decided to pursue animation and REALLY forget comedy.
Injury. Unable to work. (Fuck! Now what!)
Invented Corral Blue and positive attitude.
Got AIC animation job, then fired. No EI available.
Stayed positive- worried hand injury again re: animation, not sure about work future, or whether AIC will ask back. Back to pursuing business startup.
Doing Corral show. Gets worse and worse until have to drop business. Also have to drop Corral when it’s done. Totally drained of resources, including optimism.
Feel like positive attitude led me down the wrong path.
Tuxi runs away.
Sure I won’t get job and paying rent off credit card with NO plan. Start selling things.

In short: In the past I had dreams and chose insecurity, but now I was honestly trying to be practical and didn’t want insecurity at all. Because of confusion, injury, isolation, a succession of non-starters and the FAILURE of a positive attitude/faith, illness… Lack of support from Rodrigo… I was left with no hope.

Gains out of this time: Reality check. Emotional maturity, leadership, basic biz knowledge, Corral show on video, optimism because I got out of it (once it hits home that I did indeed get out of it,) learning the value of “clout” and “just” being an employee, migraines finally dealt with, stuff more organized.

Losses out of this time: 27k debt (over 4 years of underemployment averages to $562 a month of debt over 48 months.) Lost time where I was hiding and feeling ashamed. Cutting own hair, can’t afford makeup or social outings. Friends paying for everything. Depression and sickness didn’t feel good. Regression that came with opening boxes of old things from “before I was a dynamo” and looking for value in them. Feel I’ve “aged out” of anything comedy related.

Recovery: I had been very poor and very isolated and needed to feel in control again. Resulting habits:

Buying used things with intention to sell, as well as just enjoying those things and “the hunt.” Having a hard time shaking identity of “loser doll lady” that I had become comfortable with. “I guess this is who I am now. Oh, a job? Uh…” Took a while to shake.
Underdressing, cutting/dying own hair and not taking care of self. (Fear of spending money.)
Anxiety illnesses- triggered with late paychecks, disorganization etc.
Unable to be frugal; just so happy to be able to afford some frills like makeup etc.
Horrible stress related back pain.
Brain damage (seriously- unable to think straight) and reduced creativity after the slammer that was the Corral Show.
Need to relax- coming home and chilling. not up to the challenge of coming home and getting to work.
Scared. Of men (bad dates) falling off bike, simple injuries, losing job. Terrified.
Should be noted it was winter, which is always a shit show.
Universe providing awesome things at Value Village to help perk me up.
Focus on apartment and “my life.” “This is my life” as I cook, clean and organize. Nesting instead of pushing forward, and knowing it’s compulsive, out of character and a coping thing.

Now:

Medication helps with recovery and brain damage.
Universe dries up VV to help me move on.
Up to the challenge: ready to put head down and get to work on this web page
Pushing forward. Back to white knuckling, but this time in a voluntary way… not like Corral Blue.
Know opportunity when I see it. Able to discard things that were no-go’s and focus on THIS.
Lesson learned- don’t jump ship because of a fear of an injury. And you can be a director. You can be something related. Just keep in the same industry and network and treat people great and you’ll be fine.

Media will tell you to “enjoy the now” and “have balance.” This advice is for idiots enjoying great lives. Not people like you who have work to do in order to gain basic security.

Conundrum:

A: If you end up in a house, you will want all your stuff. This will happen if you don’t get to California and need to buy a place in the country.

B: If you are going to California, adventure in general, you will not want your stuff. However, you won’t GET to California if you waste time trying to sell your stuff. So if you spend all your time working towards CA, when moving time comes, you won’t have enough time to sell it.

Solution: Just give it away if you get CA because, hey, you have a dream job so why not?

Solution: Sell it but without focus. Just use it as a break since you can’t work all the time. Sell the stuff that will get the most money and that you really don’t want first.

CONCLUSION: Don’t worry about your stuff, just focus on the work.

SNAGS:

What if Jamie kicks me out?

What if I haven’t paid down enough debt when the time comes to move? (AKA not enough cash flow.)

What if I have to move fast and I’ve got ALL THIS STUFF?

Answer: A roomate would fix all this. Pay down debt, make Jamie happy, have stuff in my face more so that I am more enticed to list it.

So here it is:

Get roomate.
Head down- get to work. Your back pain and body pains are stress related, not sitting related. Lets face it, you come home and sit anyways.
Get rid of stuff casually but not as a focus.
Eating- convenience over cooking and try to make good small choices through the day. Don’t stress it. You have a roomate so buy the food you want.