This week in band, we had two birthdays. Livio, the conductor, and Natalie, who plays the clarinet (very well.)
Someone busted out a cake and everyone started singing. But when it got to “Happy Birthday dear ____ —” I clammed up. To my horror, everyone unanimously sang “LIVIOooooooooo” and not “Livio and Natalieeeeeeeee”!
I looked over at Natalie to check and see if she was crying. Her trumpet playing boyfriend swooped in and gave her a gift before she could react- good timing! Good thinking!
I, however, was a wreck. I started having a HORRIBLE flashback to 2009…
I was in a play. ACTUALLY it was an OPERA. “Jerry Springer the Opera.” I was in the chorus, and it was my BIRTHDAY. Well guess what? One of the leads was also having her birthday. And she was a LEAD.
Everyone sang her happy birthday and gave her a cake. Probably fancy flowers too because she was a lead in an opera after all.
Then… nothing. I waited for a second song, or a second cake… a shitty dandylion. My status was so LOW. A lowly chorus opera singer.
Remembering my place as a chorus worm, I wriggled over to a fellow castmate. “Hey…” I whispered. “It’s my birthday too.” “Really?” she said. Then we ate cake.
I’ll tell you what I was hoping for, friends. I was hoping she’d yell “HEY Everyone!! Shut up and look over here! It’s Amy’s birthday too!” And everyone would yell “Hooray for Amy!!!” “Three cheers for Amy!” “We’re so sorry what a sad oversight!!”
But that didn’t happen, and I’ll tell you why- I chose the wrong person. Here’s my lesson for you, if you ever find yourself in this situation: CHOOSE WISELY when selecting a “Hey, it’s my birthday too” person. Because “Hey, it’s my birthday too” is NOT something you can say more than once. You’ve got ONE SHOT because you’re already at 95% pathetic when you say it the first time. Twice? Yer done.
Here are some tips for choosing the right person:
- Make sure they’re a loud mouth. Someone who wants to be a hero. You want EVERYONE to hear them say “Shut up and look over here!” and you want them to say it with gusto.
- Make sure they know who you are. They aren’t going to make an announcement for you if they don’t know your name. They’ll say “Oh, I’ll order you a cake next year! How do you spell your name?”
- Make sure they’re honest. If everyone knows this person is a liar, they may think “Is it really Amy’s birthday? This guy lies a lot” and go on about their business.
- Make sure it’s not birthday girl/boy #1. This person is your fucking enemy come on. You think they’re going to share the spotlight?
- Make sure they don’t already know it’s your birthday too. Are you sure about this situation? Maybe everyone already knows it’s your birthday and they just don’t like you. If you’ve been talking about it for days and they all saw it on FB that morning, signs are pointing to them just not liking you. You must be a real asshole! Time to take a good in the mirror and adjust your social skills! Make some changes, and start with NOT saying “hey, it’s my birthday too.”
WARNING: DO NOT EVER *YELL* “HEY IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!” Pm me if you need help understanding why!
Well, I hope those tips were helpful.
Anyways at band, then they brought out a second cake and sang a second song for Natalie! I recovered from my bad memory by eating double cake! Yum!